Meaning in the Mundane

Two weeks from today I'll be heading back to work.  I have lots of mixed feelings, and have gone back in forth in terms of readiness.  Today I was bored, tired of the same tasks that I do everyday: laundry, dishes, dinner etc...  And as a result I found myself trying to muster up the joy and gratitude and fulfilling feelings that have come so easily at times but weren't so easy to find today.  Without them, it kind of feels like I'm just doing chores all day.

I'm wondering whether to take today as some kind of signal that I am in fact ready to go back to work, maybe ready for more stimulation, variety and challenges.  But somehow, i don't want to use a bad day as the motivation for returning, it doesn't sit right in my gut.

I've very slowly learned over these last 5 years of marriage how important it is that I don't view marriage as something that provides me with happiness and fulfillment.  It does, don't get me wrong, but when I need it to then suddenly bad days or disagreements become reason to question whether this commitment I made was really worth it.  Instead, I've learned to see marriage as more opportunity for my character to be refined, and then all the good stuff is a bonus.

I'm wondering the same about motherhood: I don't want it to be this thing that either gives me enough fulfillment to justify staying home full time or doesn't.  I guess I don't really want to commodify my relationship with my daughter in that way.  So yes, days like today help me to hope that maybe my return to work might be happening at the right time, but I don't want it to be some kind of emotional proof that I should go back.  I want to be careful not to use my happiness as a measurement for my relationship, I've made that mistake before, and hope to learn from it.  So perhaps the question to be asking myself today is: how can days like today help shape and refine me?  How can I better find meaning and purpose in the mundane?

Happy Birthday to me

Today is  30th  birthday.  It feels good to be thirty, the "3" feels like it adds a level of credibility to everything I say :).  It being a decade birthday, I've found myself intentionally reflecting more than usual.  I can say with absolute confidence that I'm proud of my 20s: I'm proud of the maturity, self-awareness and growth that happened over the last 10 years; I'm proud of finishing two degrees and launching a career that I find so much joy and meaning in; I'm proud of the highs and lows Jason and I have faced and come out the other side of; I'm proud of the relationships I've built and repaired; I'm proud to be a Mom.

Seeing that list, I wonder if any decade can possibly be as rich and life changing as this last one has!  Can I change in the next ten years as much as I did in the last?  It seems unlikely with 20s being so formative to my identity, but I think I'll aspire to all the same.  Reflecting on the last ten years is inspiring goals for the next ten, so here's what's on my heart as I sit here on my 30th birthday looking ahead to my 40th.

In the next 10 years I hope to: have a home with frequent guests who bless us and whom we can bless, prioritize my children and husband, go against the odds and do way more fun and adventurous things than a young family is expected to do, grow closer to "expertise" in group and trauma counselling, become more selfless, trust in God far more often than I trust in myself, visit Turkey and return to Italy, get much better at growing my own food, find ways to continue enjoying cooking as it becomes more of a required chore, have a teachable heart even as I learn and grow in understanding, spend very little time allowing guilt or shame to dictate who I am.

I look forward to reading this list in ten years, marveling at what came to be, and smiling as much more life experience reveals the joys and sorrows I could never have planned for.