My Magical Little Creature

Family systems theory says that the best opportunity for a family to change is when there's a birth, death or marriage.  I remember hoping when we got married 5 years ago that it might afford opportunities for change in some of the relationships around me, but didn't find it happened in the way I hoped.  Now here I am again at the crossroads of one of those momentous system shifts and am finding myself in the midst of unprecedented change.  I think that part of the wonderousness of it all is that I didn't expect it to happen this time.  What's closer to the truth is I'm finding myself blown away by the inner healing, re-connections, moments of forgiveness and life-altering conversations that keep happening all around me.

I keep wondering how it works.  I mean, Eliana doesn't really DO anything, in fact she's more or less slept through all the significant moments I've alluded to above.  And yet it's as if there's something about her, sitting there all slumped over in her chair, making little noises, that softens and opens people.  What a magical little creature she's turning out to be!  Miracles are abounding in her presence.  Does she know it?  Does any part of her little heart realize how profoundly she's changing my life and others'?

Sometimes I exclaim things like "you're so amazing!", as if my loudness could somehow get the words across better.  She smiles and makes noises back, in the same way she would if I yelled "gaaaa boooo gu-ump!"

Relationships have changed around me that I had honestly given up hope for, and it's making me scarily optimistic about tackling change in every relationship that's sorely needed it.  This little girl is giving me unprecedented courage, scary courage to say things and ask things that I otherwise wouldn't have dared.

How do I say "thank you!" loud enough for her to get it?

Loss

Yesterday we went through the third set of hearing related tests for Eliana.  This one was four arduous hours of trying to get baby to sleep and wake at all the right times so that we wouldn't have to come back and do it again.  At the end of it all we found out that she has true hearing loss in her right ear.  We don't know yet whether it's moderate, severe or profound; meaning she may or may not be helped with a hearing aid - more rounds of tests for that.  We also don't know whether there are any surgeries that might help - our audiologist told us not to put much stock in hoping for this.  We do know that at this point it's not going to just go away.   

I'm trying to understand just what to make of the sadness I feel in response.  I don't think I'm sad for myself - I continue to think I have the most astounding and perfect daughter.  I don't even think I'm that sad for her - because she was born with the loss, she'll never know any different and will likely learn to live with it with very little difficulty.  Maybe I'm just sad as I witness the first marks of this imperfect world affecting my perfect daughter.  When I first held her, as I'm sure many moms would attest, there was this profound amazement at how utterly untainted she was.  No bad or good influences, no social norms, no marks of deterioration, she was new.  I think the news of her hearing loss just felt like the bubble popping - from now on she'll only get more and more marked up.

That sounds morbid and depressing, I know.

But it's true isn't it?  From birth to death this world and our aging takes a growing toll.  I am all for that "toll" also growing our capacity for love and grace but I think as a  new mom I'm just feeling the grief of watching that process begin.  

Am I making sense?

Even now as I put some words to that ache I already feel the redemption in it too.   I think that my daughter will grow up surrounded by love and security, but I would wish for her to also know how to relate with those that suffer.  I pray that her own taste of suffering and struggle will help her to love others with understanding and grace.  

Jason's Mom told us yesterday about a woman she knows who also lived with hearing loss on one side.  She has a heart-warming way of seeing it.  On one side she's able to listen to others, and on the other she listens to God.   I love that God gave my daughter one ear that's for Him alone.

Horror

This morning as I was pumping and scrolling through facebook a video showed up of a nanny repeatedly hitting a small baby.  The individual who posted it did not condone the behaviour in any way, but I found myself feeling horrified and deeply upset by the visual.  I removed it from my page, reported what I viewed as disturbing violence to facebook and exited my bedroom sobbing.  I have no inner mechanism for distancing from infant abuse right now.  The horror of it hits my heart with  full impact and I'm left undone, incapable of grasping or understanding how anyone could inflict this type of treatment on an infant as precious as my own.  I cried and cried, and for the dozenth time this week felt the strong compulsion to somehow rescue and nurture every little one out there that is being abused.

I've wondered, when Jason has come home to me tearfully sharing my heart ache over these atrocities, if this is something every new Mom feels and cries over once they have their own precious little one?  Or if this is the first pieces of a passion or calling that might one day manifest in an active role in loving little ones that are in need of more love.

I deeply feel for my clients in my job, I feel all kinds of emotions in response to the painful stories they share. I'm able to express and share these emotions with a certain level of control, depending on the helpfulness of me expressing them in a particular moment.  But this, there's nothing controlled about the devastating ache I feel at a true story of infant abuse, I'm wondering today how I will manage this when these stories come up. I'm praying that God somehow uses this ache in me for good.

Power Momma

I imagine it's pretty tough being married to a counsellor sometimes.  I have some pretty strong beliefs and intuitions about how to raise our  brand new daughter.  And what's more I know how to back those beliefs up with books I've read, clinical experience I've had, case studies I've heard from other counsellors etc... So when it comes to my husband and I talking through a parenting approach, I can add so much weight to my side that it's difficult to argue with. The extent to which I have this kind of power, is the extent to which I have to be very careful with how I use it.

I'm learning that my well-intentioned bits of feedback or points of concern have the power to incapacitate him in his own intuitive parenting style.  My very wise mentor saw right away how my "concerns" with his approach were stunting him, trapping him into having to strive to meet the expectations I was putting on him.  "You have to release him Laura" she told me, seeing clearly that I was setting him up to feel incapable as a Father, and resentful of my criticisms.  By God's grace her words helped me to ask his forgiveness for this before it got any farther.

I am facing the unique challenges of being a therapist and a mother, and the impact that has on my spouse.  However, I imagine it doesn't take being a therapist to find a similar dynamic at play.  We as Mothers are the authority on how to care for our babies.  We know them best, we carried them, birthed them and feed them, and who are our partners to challenge us on what we say is the best way to raise our child?

We have a lot of power as Mommas, power to undermine our partners and become the authority on what's right and wrong for our children.  Power to make them question their own intuitions.  Power to shame them when they get it wrong.  In our well-intentioned desire to make sure our little ones get the best care, I see in myself the possibility of imprisoning my husband into a less-than role.  And as I watch future him shutting down, backing away from parenting, feeling inadequate to care for our little one, I'm sure I'd only get angrier, more critical: "you're not involved, I need a break, why don't you read books on parenting like I do?  Just give her to me, I'll do it."

Tears come to me eyes as I forsee the easy possibility of this future.  It is absolutely in my nature to use my power to "help" our daughter while harming him.  I need my close friends and mentors to watch me and challenge me on this before it goes too far.

Mommas: whether we like it or not, we are likely the ones that wield the most influence when it comes to child rearing.  Influence we can use to build our partners up or tear them down.  As a therapist, I have to be careful not to use my knowledge as a veto in every conversation.  As a mom, I have to be careful not to use my God-given instincts to diminish my husband's.

Fair Warning

Grace is my daughter's middle name.  It came about rather insignificantly, it just sounded good next to her first name, Eliana, which I picked out ten years before she came into our lives.  As these first 41 days of her life have rolled by, I've grown to love the name more and more.

Grace has saved me.  As one prone to perfectionism and achievement, I could easily spend my whole life trying to prove to myself and others that I am worthy of love and attention.  Grace is the only thing that can slow me in my tracks and free my heart into knowing that I am loved, regardless of how much I do.

Grace, my sweet daughter, is also saving me.  I find myself becoming closer to who I always wanted to be in her presence.  Someone who cherishes time with others without having to rush off.  Someone who asks the questions she really wants to ask because this little one has somehow set both of us at ease.  Someone with a deep unending well of love inside, that isn't there because it should be, but because this sweet girl seems to have planted it deep inside.  I'm so grateful to all the people and experiences that cleared that well out over the last 10 years so that I could feel the purity of this love - that is a topic for another post though.

I was not prepared for her to do so much for me.  I grieved the loss of my freedom and independence as I settled into the impending reality that I would be doing so much for her in the coming decades, but I did not anticipate how much I would be freed into the me I want to be.

If there are any up and coming parents out there, you've probably been fairly warned about the sleepless nights, the major lifestyle change, and how difficult it is to go on a date with your partner.  But let me warn you about this: these defenseless little ones have the power to lower our defenses and leave us softer and better and more who we'd like to be, if you'll let them squirm their way into those parts of your heart that need softening.