Two weeks from today I'll be heading back to work. I have lots of mixed feelings, and have gone back in forth in terms of readiness. Today I was bored, tired of the same tasks that I do everyday: laundry, dishes, dinner etc... And as a result I found myself trying to muster up the joy and gratitude and fulfilling feelings that have come so easily at times but weren't so easy to find today. Without them, it kind of feels like I'm just doing chores all day.
I'm wondering whether to take today as some kind of signal that I am in fact ready to go back to work, maybe ready for more stimulation, variety and challenges. But somehow, i don't want to use a bad day as the motivation for returning, it doesn't sit right in my gut.
I've very slowly learned over these last 5 years of marriage how important it is that I don't view marriage as something that provides me with happiness and fulfillment. It does, don't get me wrong, but when I need it to then suddenly bad days or disagreements become reason to question whether this commitment I made was really worth it. Instead, I've learned to see marriage as more opportunity for my character to be refined, and then all the good stuff is a bonus.
I'm wondering the same about motherhood: I don't want it to be this thing that either gives me enough fulfillment to justify staying home full time or doesn't. I guess I don't really want to commodify my relationship with my daughter in that way. So yes, days like today help me to hope that maybe my return to work might be happening at the right time, but I don't want it to be some kind of emotional proof that I should go back. I want to be careful not to use my happiness as a measurement for my relationship, I've made that mistake before, and hope to learn from it. So perhaps the question to be asking myself today is: how can days like today help shape and refine me? How can I better find meaning and purpose in the mundane?
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