Does it get easier?

Tomorrow I start my second week back to work, and this transition has been about what I anticipated.  Tears as I left my house, tears as I walked into my office, tears every time I spoke about missing Eliana, and then incredible meaning, joy and energy as I met with clients.

I've been slowly finding the words for the grief I've felt in response to the three 6 hour chunks of time I now spend away from my baby each week.  It feels un-natural, like physically unnatural, to be separated.  I find myself angry with technology - if it weren't for the invention of my electric breast pump, then I would not be physiologically capable of spending so much time away from her.  Technology has enabled me to endure an unnatural length of time away from my little one.  On top of that, I didn't realize how much joy, and meaning I was getting out of the simple act of feeding, until I found myself facing a rather immense grief over the loss. This separation feels wrong on so many levels, despite the fact that I have so many intellectual reasons for my return to work being right.

This week has been confusing, the intensity of my emotions could easily make us as a family question whether I've made a mistake in returning so soon.  While another part of me is so thoroughly enjoying the return that it's easy to see the goodness of this decision.

I've been able to spend these last three full days with Eliana, and they have been so refreshing to my soul.  Getting to hold and play and feed and squeeze her is helping heal the woundedness I felt in my distance from her.  And as I sit here on the edge of starting the wounding and healing cycle all over again this week, I honestly feel incredibly overwhelmed to watch this cycle play out on repeat for an indefinable amount of time.  To foresee the weeks and months of grief seems so unmanageable.  I know so many of you would want to let me know "it gets better", "it gets easier" and I can't help but wonder " in what way?"  Does it get easier because I get better at shutting out the grief, and those "wrong" feelings?  Does it get better because I get too busy to let myself feel, or worry, or miss?  Does it get better because I just accept this is how life is?

Please tell me there's a better option, a better way that it gets better to feel this torn-ness between my intense love for my daughter and my deep love for my work.

I'd like to know that it gets better, in a better way than I can imagine now...

Do you ever wake up angry?

Today I woke up angry about the day that lie ahead.  After a rather sleepless night I opted to cancel my morning plans so I could catch a needed hour of sleep during Eliana's first nap.  Then, I woke up angry.  Angry that I had to cancel something that I knew would have been really life giving, in order to get something so basic.  I looked at the dishes in the kitchen and felt angry.  I looked at the meat thawing on the counter that had to become dinner and felt angry.  I looked at my fussy four month old needing my help to get to sleep and felt angry.  I wanted to have a tantrum, run around the house knocking things over and throwing them around in protest to my endless attempt to tidy.  I want to throw that thawed roast out the window and watch the dogs tear it apart.  I want to scream "I feel so trapped!" instead of singing soothing lullaby songs.

As I put it into words, I'm both relieved to express it and a little scared of how angry I am.  It seems disproportionate to one set of cancelled plans, so I can't help but wonder where it's all coming from?

Oh I wish I was sitting in a circle of other Mom's right now, I'm just longing to hear "oh that's totally normal!  I always want to destroy my house"... or something like that.  I feel bad that I feel angry.  I wish I could be perfectly content loving on my daughter and husband, but there is this rebellious part of me that is desperate to revolt.  I feel trapped and I want to destroy whatever walls, whether real or imagined, are surrounding me.

Phew, okay, it feels good to say that.

And it feels good to hear this:  "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lam 3:23).  I could use some unceasing love and mercy today when my own love and mercy seems short.  Today I pray he would just send His love through me to Eliana, because it sure feels like what I can muster up inside myself just isn't enough.