Today I woke up angry about the day that lie ahead. After a rather sleepless night I opted to cancel my morning plans so I could catch a needed hour of sleep during Eliana's first nap. Then, I woke up angry. Angry that I had to cancel something that I knew would have been really life giving, in order to get something so basic. I looked at the dishes in the kitchen and felt angry. I looked at the meat thawing on the counter that had to become dinner and felt angry. I looked at my fussy four month old needing my help to get to sleep and felt angry. I wanted to have a tantrum, run around the house knocking things over and throwing them around in protest to my endless attempt to tidy. I want to throw that thawed roast out the window and watch the dogs tear it apart. I want to scream "I feel so trapped!" instead of singing soothing lullaby songs.
As I put it into words, I'm both relieved to express it and a little scared of how angry I am. It seems disproportionate to one set of cancelled plans, so I can't help but wonder where it's all coming from?
Oh I wish I was sitting in a circle of other Mom's right now, I'm just longing to hear "oh that's totally normal! I always want to destroy my house"... or something like that. I feel bad that I feel angry. I wish I could be perfectly content loving on my daughter and husband, but there is this rebellious part of me that is desperate to revolt. I feel trapped and I want to destroy whatever walls, whether real or imagined, are surrounding me.
Phew, okay, it feels good to say that.
And it feels good to hear this: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lam 3:23). I could use some unceasing love and mercy today when my own love and mercy seems short. Today I pray he would just send His love through me to Eliana, because it sure feels like what I can muster up inside myself just isn't enough.
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