Does it get easier?

Tomorrow I start my second week back to work, and this transition has been about what I anticipated.  Tears as I left my house, tears as I walked into my office, tears every time I spoke about missing Eliana, and then incredible meaning, joy and energy as I met with clients.

I've been slowly finding the words for the grief I've felt in response to the three 6 hour chunks of time I now spend away from my baby each week.  It feels un-natural, like physically unnatural, to be separated.  I find myself angry with technology - if it weren't for the invention of my electric breast pump, then I would not be physiologically capable of spending so much time away from her.  Technology has enabled me to endure an unnatural length of time away from my little one.  On top of that, I didn't realize how much joy, and meaning I was getting out of the simple act of feeding, until I found myself facing a rather immense grief over the loss. This separation feels wrong on so many levels, despite the fact that I have so many intellectual reasons for my return to work being right.

This week has been confusing, the intensity of my emotions could easily make us as a family question whether I've made a mistake in returning so soon.  While another part of me is so thoroughly enjoying the return that it's easy to see the goodness of this decision.

I've been able to spend these last three full days with Eliana, and they have been so refreshing to my soul.  Getting to hold and play and feed and squeeze her is helping heal the woundedness I felt in my distance from her.  And as I sit here on the edge of starting the wounding and healing cycle all over again this week, I honestly feel incredibly overwhelmed to watch this cycle play out on repeat for an indefinable amount of time.  To foresee the weeks and months of grief seems so unmanageable.  I know so many of you would want to let me know "it gets better", "it gets easier" and I can't help but wonder " in what way?"  Does it get easier because I get better at shutting out the grief, and those "wrong" feelings?  Does it get better because I get too busy to let myself feel, or worry, or miss?  Does it get better because I just accept this is how life is?

Please tell me there's a better option, a better way that it gets better to feel this torn-ness between my intense love for my daughter and my deep love for my work.

I'd like to know that it gets better, in a better way than I can imagine now...