Horror

This morning as I was pumping and scrolling through facebook a video showed up of a nanny repeatedly hitting a small baby.  The individual who posted it did not condone the behaviour in any way, but I found myself feeling horrified and deeply upset by the visual.  I removed it from my page, reported what I viewed as disturbing violence to facebook and exited my bedroom sobbing.  I have no inner mechanism for distancing from infant abuse right now.  The horror of it hits my heart with  full impact and I'm left undone, incapable of grasping or understanding how anyone could inflict this type of treatment on an infant as precious as my own.  I cried and cried, and for the dozenth time this week felt the strong compulsion to somehow rescue and nurture every little one out there that is being abused.

I've wondered, when Jason has come home to me tearfully sharing my heart ache over these atrocities, if this is something every new Mom feels and cries over once they have their own precious little one?  Or if this is the first pieces of a passion or calling that might one day manifest in an active role in loving little ones that are in need of more love.

I deeply feel for my clients in my job, I feel all kinds of emotions in response to the painful stories they share. I'm able to express and share these emotions with a certain level of control, depending on the helpfulness of me expressing them in a particular moment.  But this, there's nothing controlled about the devastating ache I feel at a true story of infant abuse, I'm wondering today how I will manage this when these stories come up. I'm praying that God somehow uses this ache in me for good.