Loss

Yesterday we went through the third set of hearing related tests for Eliana.  This one was four arduous hours of trying to get baby to sleep and wake at all the right times so that we wouldn't have to come back and do it again.  At the end of it all we found out that she has true hearing loss in her right ear.  We don't know yet whether it's moderate, severe or profound; meaning she may or may not be helped with a hearing aid - more rounds of tests for that.  We also don't know whether there are any surgeries that might help - our audiologist told us not to put much stock in hoping for this.  We do know that at this point it's not going to just go away.   

I'm trying to understand just what to make of the sadness I feel in response.  I don't think I'm sad for myself - I continue to think I have the most astounding and perfect daughter.  I don't even think I'm that sad for her - because she was born with the loss, she'll never know any different and will likely learn to live with it with very little difficulty.  Maybe I'm just sad as I witness the first marks of this imperfect world affecting my perfect daughter.  When I first held her, as I'm sure many moms would attest, there was this profound amazement at how utterly untainted she was.  No bad or good influences, no social norms, no marks of deterioration, she was new.  I think the news of her hearing loss just felt like the bubble popping - from now on she'll only get more and more marked up.

That sounds morbid and depressing, I know.

But it's true isn't it?  From birth to death this world and our aging takes a growing toll.  I am all for that "toll" also growing our capacity for love and grace but I think as a  new mom I'm just feeling the grief of watching that process begin.  

Am I making sense?

Even now as I put some words to that ache I already feel the redemption in it too.   I think that my daughter will grow up surrounded by love and security, but I would wish for her to also know how to relate with those that suffer.  I pray that her own taste of suffering and struggle will help her to love others with understanding and grace.  

Jason's Mom told us yesterday about a woman she knows who also lived with hearing loss on one side.  She has a heart-warming way of seeing it.  On one side she's able to listen to others, and on the other she listens to God.   I love that God gave my daughter one ear that's for Him alone.