Power Momma

I imagine it's pretty tough being married to a counsellor sometimes.  I have some pretty strong beliefs and intuitions about how to raise our  brand new daughter.  And what's more I know how to back those beliefs up with books I've read, clinical experience I've had, case studies I've heard from other counsellors etc... So when it comes to my husband and I talking through a parenting approach, I can add so much weight to my side that it's difficult to argue with. The extent to which I have this kind of power, is the extent to which I have to be very careful with how I use it.

I'm learning that my well-intentioned bits of feedback or points of concern have the power to incapacitate him in his own intuitive parenting style.  My very wise mentor saw right away how my "concerns" with his approach were stunting him, trapping him into having to strive to meet the expectations I was putting on him.  "You have to release him Laura" she told me, seeing clearly that I was setting him up to feel incapable as a Father, and resentful of my criticisms.  By God's grace her words helped me to ask his forgiveness for this before it got any farther.

I am facing the unique challenges of being a therapist and a mother, and the impact that has on my spouse.  However, I imagine it doesn't take being a therapist to find a similar dynamic at play.  We as Mothers are the authority on how to care for our babies.  We know them best, we carried them, birthed them and feed them, and who are our partners to challenge us on what we say is the best way to raise our child?

We have a lot of power as Mommas, power to undermine our partners and become the authority on what's right and wrong for our children.  Power to make them question their own intuitions.  Power to shame them when they get it wrong.  In our well-intentioned desire to make sure our little ones get the best care, I see in myself the possibility of imprisoning my husband into a less-than role.  And as I watch future him shutting down, backing away from parenting, feeling inadequate to care for our little one, I'm sure I'd only get angrier, more critical: "you're not involved, I need a break, why don't you read books on parenting like I do?  Just give her to me, I'll do it."

Tears come to me eyes as I forsee the easy possibility of this future.  It is absolutely in my nature to use my power to "help" our daughter while harming him.  I need my close friends and mentors to watch me and challenge me on this before it goes too far.

Mommas: whether we like it or not, we are likely the ones that wield the most influence when it comes to child rearing.  Influence we can use to build our partners up or tear them down.  As a therapist, I have to be careful not to use my knowledge as a veto in every conversation.  As a mom, I have to be careful not to use my God-given instincts to diminish my husband's.